Every name is punishment: an exercise for Headmaster Magazine

Herói e trovador 

 

A princípio, o som da rua abafou

O galope voraz que o meu peito soltou

E num jorro, tudo de uma vez

A tua pele, os cadernos 

As aulas de português 

E os teus olhos tão ternos

Na banheira, os invernos

 

Agora eu diria tu aqui?, como estás? 

Tentando soar composto e audaz

Mas como o orgulho me dói 

Enquanto supero o torpor 

Deixo que sejas o herói 

Poeta, xamã ou tenor 

E eu serei o trovador

 

 

II

Summoning I

 

It's been so long

Since we have met

And I have set

Some things straight

 

But then again

Not straight at all

I must recall

How I got here

 

Where should I start

Maybe my birth

A story worth

Of an ode

 

The odd one out

So bright and scary

Joseph, Mary

And in between

 

Some see a bore

A few abhor

While others adore

Let me show you the core

Of this walking

Living

Loud

Catastrophe

 

 

III

A suspeita 

 

Eis que o torpor deu lugar ao espanto

Como é que alguém pode ter mudado tanto? 

 

Em quatro quadras de rima imperfeita

Urdiu-se, sorrateira, a suspeita 

 

 

IV

Horse of Troy 

 

There was a boy

One so very lonesome and coy

They told him that he was a boy

And it became his horse of Troy

To be a boy

To be a boy

 

And for the sake of clarity

I'm gonna go with him and he

You know the story's about me

And tends towards the utter glee

To be free

To be free

 

From a young age, his world was torn

He couldn't reckon what he'd been born

To be, it seemed like he had sworn

Some sacred pledge and he'd been warned

Cannot adorn

Cannot adorn

 

If only could he taste the breeze

And wane to be pair with the bees

And ants he chased with hands and knees

The realm of insects, that was his 

Boy at ease

Boy at ease

 

He learned to read before he spoke

Buried his books under an oak

Unbeknown to him, his quirks stoke

The wrath of men and the pledge broke

It was god's stroke

It was god's stroke

 

He swallowed what was left of him

And forged a new core to the brim

To thicken skin and tighten each limb

Brave, patriotic, lose every whim

Just swim, boy

Just swim

 

He faked so good to keep the steer

He fooled himself to want a veer

And kicked the ball and drank the beer

And sought to become engineer 

Hold the sneer 

Hold the sneer 

 

But like the ants had been before 

A makeshift world to flee the war 

A banned vice came back to explore 

That put his body to uproar 

Transfixed by men of age and hoar 

Performing what he so called for 

Manhood on which he felt ashore 

He craved the scent of his mentor 

Oh, deplore 

Oh, deplore 

 

The last time he used this outlet 

He was not gone for college yet 

His uncle's briefs smelled of ball sweat 

And the vile spell bayed to abet 

Riddled with shame but oh so wet 

Under his skin he hid the fret 

And in such state of woes beset 

I hoped college'd help me forget 

Then we met 

Then we met 

 

The engagement was a humbug

As was the coolness nearly smug 

Every pore of me had a plug 

Until you shook me with the tug 

Of your hug

Of your hug

 

It took some time to realise

How the sheer bluntness of your sighs

Left me no doubt, played no disguise

And in your cum I stood baptized

What a prize

What a prize

 

And then I fled

What could I have done? 

I was so scared

As much as I was sprung 

 

I should be sown again

And lose my kin

Two knives in my head

One for joy, one for dread

I took pilgrimage to Berlin

 

Ich reiß' mir eine Wimper aus

Und stech' dich damit tot!

Dann nehm' ich einen Lippenstift

Und mach' dich damit rot!

Und wenn du dann noch böse bist,

Weiß ich nur einen Rat:

Ich bestelle mir ein Spiegelei

Und bespritz' dich mit Spinat!

Du, du, du, du, du, du, du, du!

Dann bestell' ich mir ein Spiegelei

Und bespritz' dich mit Spinat!

 

 

V

Fado sem palavras

 

A audiência enebriada

Percebendo que o relato 

Prosseguia com crueza 

Censurava acirrada

A minha falta de tato

E eu escondia a surpresa 

 

Na tua voz, não há remorso

Só bravura e lucidez

Que me põem cheio de medo 

De assumir o que não posso

Que sou menos do que vês 

E tenho um coração azedo

 

Seja fuga ou eterna busca

Incapaz de articular 

O agora e o passado

Entender-me assim assusta

E só consigo aguentar 

Por estar a cantar o fado

 

Será trauma de infância 

Dúvida com que me deixas

Na dureza do caminho 

Ou desprezo a abundância 

No espelho, Cruzeiro Seixas

A matar o amor no ninho

 

 

VI

The wars of men

 

Oh, the wars of men

Oh, the wars of men

 

Shiny, spiky objects

On the noses of men, on the goals of men

 

Carrots dangling ahead

Carrots dangling ahead

 

And their moustaches dampen in the cold air of the morning

Dewed with saliva of raging axioms and greed sowing

And they possess what's in sight be it or not of their owning

All the dreams of women and their land and their names and their scolding

Leaving them and us nothing but mourning

In the cold air and dim light of the morning

 

Oh, the wars of men

Oh, the wars of men

 

We couldn't care

We didn't dare

The bars of Berlin were brewing the future

The childhood of queers was ours to nurture

Like never before, like never before

 

But we were too big and too bright to behold

Sinful they cried

Too bold and godforbid dissident to withhold

All our pride

And the axe ever sharp of manhood took its toll

To deride

Our bodies

We cannot abide

 

Fire and brimstone

Fire and brimstone

Fire and brimstone

Fire and brimstone

 

Off I went again, orphaned forever

Constantly widowed, one love after another

 

 

VII

Summoning II

 

The roads of Europe were stacked with runaways and the smell of fuming corpses

Evil spread like venom in a healthy leg and our fault is to never see how we endorse it

 

Naked in Lisbon, I howled from a balcony

Stood strong and proud with Ary

 

Hiding in Kampala, discovering my motto

I held hands with David Kato

 

Divine invited me over for a pie of guts and poo

Or if only I knew

 

How to emulate the vision of Bowery

Conquer AIDS and his wits and his prower-y

 

I told La Veneno while on the phone to Adra

How her life and pearls were fodder

 

To the people, petty people

 

Took classes with Simone, both Beauvoir and Nina

And they showed me the queen of

 

New York, what'd have you been without Marsha?

For sure uglier, for sure harsher

 

Gisberta sang in my ear and not about absence

I kissed her through the fence

 

Back to Berlin, broken German, I got a house

For me and my lover Klaus

 

And Amália came, and Dalida and Diana Ross

Mother, daughter and the holy boss

 

For in women we trust and-

 

 

VIII

A recusa 

 

Óscar, Óscar, vou ter de te parar

A Diana Ross... fizeste-me lembrar

Todas as perseguições 

Os patins, a droga na pele

O rapaz e os seus calções 

Mais o dedo no cu dele

Perdão que te atropele

 

Mas a ousadia tem os seus limites 

Há códigos a seguir, não te irrites

E não há causa a que abone

Mentira ou asneira

Na revista com o meu nome

Acaba-se esta doideira 

E corro atrás da carteira 

 

 

IX

Every name is punishment

 

They don't get it

That the world we dream of is as real as the one we fear

 

They don't get it

That the world we dream of is as real as the one we fear

 

They don't get it

That the world we dream of is as real as the one we fear

 

They don't get it

That the world we dream of is as real as the one we fear

 

Go on, go home

In the end

It's always me alone

 

Next time, call me by dissent

For every name is punishment